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Monday, January 13, 2014

If you REALLY knew me {part 1}

We all have a story. Some are happier than others, and some will never be shared. When I started this blog I always imagined having a place that I could come and be 100% open. Along with telling the internet world your deepest darkest secrets comes judgment. That can be scary. Most people would rather leave the past in the past and never revisit. I believe that through open communication and dialog about the truths in life more people will feel "set free" from the tortures of those moments. I think that we all experience hardships and we all have our own issues, not talking about it just continues to isolate others into thinking they are alone.  
 
The truth is we are NOT alone.
 
We talked in church yesterday about high school students doing a challenge called "If you really knew me...." where secrets were shared, and the playing fields were leveled. It can be a truly freeing experience to really share your truths, so here are a few of mine.
 
 

If you REALLY knew me you would know that....
 
My dad passed away when I was just 13 and it completely changed who I am as a person. I became depressed, and life as I thought I knew it was ruined. From this I never truly recovered. Every big moment, happy or sad since then, I have wondered how it would be different had he still been here. I wondered if he would have protected me in times I needed a hero. If he would have sheltered me when I felt lost and alone. If he would have been able to make me feel the true love I longed for in a man and searched for after he was gone. His passing altered my future.
 
If you really knew me you would know that....
 
I was abused by my boyfriend from the ages of 18-21. He started abusing me 3 months into the relationship and before I could get out I found out I was pregnant. I was abused during my pregnancy. I never left and I never told because I was afraid of being alone. I was afraid to be a teen mom with no money and no future. I thought I was in love and of course thought he would change. I lived in HIS world for 4 long, brutal years. He continued to abuse me until the day he came home, looked me in the eyes and told me he was in love with someone else. The pain was a blessing in disguise.
 
If you really knew me you would know that...
 
I was diagnosed bipolar when I was 22. Depression, anxiety, post traumatic stress, insomnia, panic attacks..... the works. I sometimes feel like a huge faker because nobody can see the torture that goes on in the brain of someone who is bipolar. The stigma can be humiliating, and too many people are afraid to talk for the fear of being called crazy. Bipolar disorder is judged. Bipolar disorder is misunderstood. Bipolar disorder is hard. Bipolar disorder is a reality for many people, and you probably just have no idea.
 
If you really knew me you would know that....
 
I am normal. Many children lose their parents at a young age, 1 in 4 women have experienced domestic violence in their lifetime, and mental illness affects millions of people. So why are we silent. Why are we afraid. I bet we have more in common with each other than you even realize.
 
What would I know if I really knew YOU?  
 
 
         

4 comments:

Jamie Vespa said...

It takes so much bravery to share these things. Im so sorry for all you have had to go through in your life. I can only hope that it has ultimately made you a stronger person so that it can at least serve a purpose!

Jamie @
The Growing Up Diaries

Kerry @ Till Then Smile Often said...

What a very brave post to write. I am so sorry that you were in an abusive relationship but glad you were able to get out of it. I think everything molds and shapes us into the people were are now and how you handle it is what matters.

My name is Lydia said...

ONE in FOUR women?! ughghhh that's SO messed up! i'm so sorry for your sad story, erin! you are brave!

Raewyn @ Be A Warrior Queen said...

This post was beautifully written and absolutely inspiring. You are so brave for sharing all of this and I am going to TRY to follow suit. That orange Publish button gets scary when it's something so personal. You're right though - these are the posts that we NEED to read and we NEED to feel because these are the posts that connect us the most.

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